No, that's not a typo in
the title. Wetnork is a name used to
refer to someone, namely me, who is put in a
networking situation and fails miserably. My
roommate from college coined the phrase by accident
when she was preparing for a public speaking
class. Every time she got to the word 'network'
in her speech what came out was something that
sounded like some sort of alien greeting.
"Through a series of connecting computers
the scientists were able to form a wetnork to
send their data."
"Maria did you know you just said wetnork?"
"No, I didn't."
"Uh, yeah ya did."
"OK, let me just keep going."
"And via this wetnork the scientists
were able to..."
"Uh, Maria, you just did it again."
"Oh no! My speech is tomorrow. I hope I
don't do it then. I'll feel like such a, such
a…"
"Wetnork?"
"Yeah."
I can't remember if she repeated this blunder
in her speech, but what I do remember is this
word stuck around for months after. When anybody
did anything stupid, one of us was right there
to say, "Dude, you're such a wetnork."
Well, it's been about 20 years since that fateful
phrase was uttered and I had forgotten all about
it until recently when I was attending my third
Erma Bombeck Writing Conference in Dayton, Ohio.
The conference is attended by 300 humor writers
from all over the United States and Canada and
is a great opportunity to attend seminars given
by professionals in the industry, and also a
time to do the thing I dread most of all...network.
I love the part of the writing life that involves
working from home, setting my own hours, wearing
anything or not wearing anything my heart desires,
and drinking coffee until it's seeping out of
my pores, but what I don't like is having to
interact with those two-legged creatures called
"people." It's not that I dislike
people per se, it's the fact that when I meet
someone new I tend to get tongue-tied or say
something stupid. It's something I'm constantly
working on, but I did find comfort in the fact
that according to this year's keynote speaker,
Dave Barry, this "foot-in-the-mouth"
syndrome even happens to the pros.
To humor writers like myself, Dave Barry is
the god of humor writing and the late Erma Bombeck
was the goddess. So, when Dave Barry spoke,
we all listened. As expected, his speech was
very humorous especially the story he shared
about his early days as a journalist. He was
at a press conference at the White House covering
a story and was asked to pose with the then
first lady, Barbara Bush, and the rest of the
press crew for a photograph. He was positioned
next to Mrs. Bush and he joked in his speech
that, "In my brain I knew I should keep
my mouth shut so I wouldn't embarrass myself,
but apparently my mouth wasn't on board."
He was living in Florida at the time and as
the photographer was getting ready to snap the
shot Mr. Barry blurted to Mrs. Bush, "I
shop in the same grocery store as your son,
Jeb." Clearly not a stellar moment for
this then struggling writer, but as you would
expect Mrs. Bush didn't put salt in the wound
by saying what she was probably thinking, which
was, "Who the heck cares." Instead,
she just chuckled and smiled graciously. And
what did Mr. Barry do? He was captured with
a red-faced grimace in this once-in-a-lifetime
photo op.
So what did I do when getting my picture taken
with Mr. Barry during his book signing at the
conference? I said, "Well, I've been standing
in line trying to think of something witty to
say to you, but instead of embarrassing myself
like you did with Barbara Bush, I think I'll
just stand here and say nothing."And what
did Mr. Barry do? He chuckled and smiled graciously
while I was captured with a red-faced grimace
in this once-in-a-lifetime photo op.
The good news…at least I know I have one
thing in common with Dave Barry. The bad news…I'm
such a wetnork!
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