It all started one innocent
afternoon. My youngest son was lying on his
back on the floor with his hands behind his
knees kicking his feet. None of us were sure
why he was doing this until we heard an unmistaken
sound. The same sound that has brought little
boys to their knees in giggles and laughter
for years. The same sound that occurs when a
little boy puts his hand under his armpit and
flaps like a chicken. It was indeed—the
sound of flatulence.
By placing his hands behind his knees and kicking
his feet, my son realized he could make twice
the noise as the armpit method, and to him,
it was twice as funny. His brother and father
seemed to agree. My husband even commented,
“Hey Drew, you should do that trick on
David Letterman’s stupid human tricks.”
The comment was lost on my son as he continued
to “toot” with glee, and I just
rolled my eyes in disbelief at this, this…guy
thing.
One week later:
“Hey Mike, you’re not going to believe
this.”
“What?”
“Letterman is having an open casting call
in Boston for stupid pet and stupid human tricks.”
“You’re kidding?”
“No, seriously. It’s next week.”
“You gotta take Drew.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“C’mon. Who knows? Maybe he’ll
make it on the show. You can’t deprive
your son of his 15 minutes of fame.”
OK, that got to me. I knew my son’s trick
wasn’t Letterman worthy, but even so,
I felt compelled to make the trip to Boston.
I couldn’t ignore the irony of my husband’s
initial comment, I was curious what tricks other
people would come to perform, and I surely didn’t
want to deprive my son of his 15 minutes of
fame.
Day of the audition:
We were sitting in the lobby of Boston’s
CBS affiliate surrounded by dogs of all sizes,
a parrot, kids with an array of instruments,
and a mailman cowering in the corner trying
to avoid said dogs. You could tell everyone
was curious why the others were there and I
managed to eavesdrop on a few conversations.
“What does your dog do?”
“He swims above water.”
“And, your dog?”
“He sneezes for cheeseburgers.”
Not sure if these were feats that would shock
and awe, but knowing my son’s trick was
of equal lackluster caliber, I tried not to
judge too harshly. I also hoped no one would
ask me what his trick was. I mean, what was
I going to say? “My son makes the sound
of a large man passing gas after attending an
all day chili cook-off.” Didn’t
really want to go there.
Then, it was my son’s turn to do his trick.
He was thrilled right up until…
“Hi, what’s your name?” the
producer asked.
“Andrew.”
“And what trick are you going to do for
us today, Andrew?”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
OK, we learned one thing. Drew doesn’t
perform well under pressure, so we sat off to
the side and watched the other auditions while
he tried to pull himself together. While we
waited, this is what we saw.
The mailman played “Yankee Doodle Dandy”
by tapping his fingers in random melodic fashion
on his large sparkling teeth, a German shepherd
did addition and subtraction by tapping the
answer with his paw in his owner’s hand,
and finally, a parrot and poodle team took the
stage. The parrot was supposed to give commands
to the dog (sit, rollover, beg, etc.) and the
dog would follow. However, I had overheard the
owner in the lobby say, “Yeah, my dog
has ADD (attention deficit disorder). He already
blew his audition in New York because he kept
getting distracted.” It turns out not
much had changed. The parrot was on point, but
the poodle—paralyzed.
Then Drew announced, “OK, I’m ready
to do my trick.” He got down on the ground,
kicked his little feet as hard as he could,
and was proud as a peacock. I, on the other
hand, was turning as red as the peacock’s
brightest plume realizing this trick was cute
when performed in the comfort of our own home,
but rather embarrassing when performed for one
of the top rated late night shows.
So what did we learn from this experience? 15
minutes of fame can easily turn into 15 minutes
of shame, I might want to rethink my son’s
career path, and I will never, ever listen to
my husband again!
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